So much about being a parent is frightening. The responsibility of a human life on my shoulders is a scary thought. It is one of the most exciting and yet mundane things possible. What is new and groundbreaking for me has happened hundreds of billions of times before.
So, I have some questions for those of you that have experienced this path before me. For those whose experience is probably similar and different to mine in lots of ways.
1. Do you ever stop being frightened?
Before Rose I was definitely not the paranoid type. I secretly scoffed at those scared of the killers ane criminals lurking in every bush or passing car. I couldn’t sympathise with a fear of flying because it is so commonplace. And even if the worst did happened, there would nothing I would be able to do to stop it, so nothing to be scared of right? I don’t visit the doctors unless something has fallen off or the pain is enough to incapacitate me. (I tried to walk off a broken ankle once. In the long run I can see that was a bad idea)
But now, I admit, I get it. I look into the eyes of my daughter and see hundreds of possibilities of ways she could be hurt, or worse. I pour over news stories that make me cry to try to find the secret. How can I make sure that unspeakable tragedy doesn’t happen to us? I wake up in the night to check she is breathing (She is usually snoring but I check anyway). I dragged her to the doctors the first time she was sick, only to be witheringly told that babies throw up. It’s normal.
Does this ever get easier? Or do the fears just change? If it doesn’t ease, then how do we live our lives functioning at this high level of fear? How is the majority of the adult population not a nervous wreck?
2. How do you love more than one?
I mean it’s obvious that it is possible. People love second, third etc children just as much. That much is obvious just looking around the world. But I honestly cannot comprehend it. I don’t understand how people have the capacity to love more than one baby at the same level I love my Rose.
I’ve always seen myself with more than one baby. But having had my first, I just can’t imagine it. She is the centre of my universe and has changed the way I see the world.
3. Did you know the last time you held them?
A lot smaller of a question than the other two, but in my opinion, just as important.
At some point, we go from picking up our babies, to not being able to carry our grown up children. Did you sense it would be your last time you scooped them up when it happened? Or did you only read lose in hindsight that they have suddenly gone and got to big too carry?
Any answers or more questions? Please pop them in the comments section 🤗